Half A Man

Art by DJ Laughlin

Arnold Sweetwater almost felt pity for the brown bear babe who got stuck with a crippled polar bear in a cheap jacket. The lion bodybuilder came over to her, grinning. Hey, babe, he said. You don't have to stick with half a man. Why not get with a whole one?

The bear turned to him and smirked. Half a man? she said, caressing the crippled polar bear's cheek.

The polar bear fixed Arnold with a steely look. Who you talkin' to, ya scrawny kit? Get lost, you bother me.

Scrawny? demanded Arnold, flexing his artistically muscled arm. You call this scrawny?!

The bear snickered. Didn't know you could flex skin and bone. That's quite a trick.

Arnold was determined to teach this fat blob a lesson. Let's see what you've got. There's a table right over there, if you dare have an arm wrestling match with me. He knew this tub of goo on wheels wouldn't dare accept such a challenge, not from someone as sculpted as he.

Arm wrestling match? Oh, kit, you have made one. Big. Mistake. The polar bear wheeled over to the table, followed by the brown bear and Arnold. Arnold took a position opposite the bear, still smarting from the scrawny jab.

Then the bear took off his jacket.

It had been a long time since Arnold had felt such depths of Oh Crap. Arms like that could only belong to furs who trained for pure physical power and loaded the barbells to near-bending.

The polar bear chuckled at the look on the lion's face. Oh, it's far too late to get out of this, kit. He thumped his elbow to the table and wiggled his fingers invitingly.

Arnold reluctantly gripped the bear's paw and readied himself, hoping to make the polar bear work a little.

Go! commanded the brown bear.

Arnold struggled and strained, while the polar bear looked at him with amusement. She said, go! he taunted, easily holding his arm upright.

Arnold gritted his teeth, straining with all his might.

His opponent snorted. Well, if you're not gonna go, then I will. The polar barely had to try, and the back of Arnold's paw was on the table.

Not bad for half a man, mocked the brown bear, caressing the polar.

Arnold said nothing but simply worked his paw free, burning with humiliation.

As he left the table, one of his friends approached him. Dude! What were you thinking?

"I didn't expect that damned cripple to be a powerlifter," growled Arnold.

His friend was gobsmacked. You mean to tell me you didn't recognize Dreysanius and Sonya Acrutar?

This was a commission by DJ Laughlin of Dreysanius humiliating a bodybuilder in an armwrestling match while Sonya enjoys the show. This, by the way, happens to be the first picture of Sonya.

In this 'verse, the Acrutars are billionaire entertainment moguls. Dreysanius owns the Wild Side Wrestling Federation along with his own cable network (he founded the former and inherited the latter), which means the WSWF has as sweet a deal as did the WCW. Unlike Ted Turner, though, Dreysanius is on virtually every show.

Sonya came up with a soap opera that took everything she hated about them (women who fought over everything, stupid plotlines, etc) and ramped them all up to eleven. The result was The Misery of Evers Plaza, a show with characters as rich as those on Dynasty, dysfunctional as Jerry Springer's guests, leading less pleasant lives than the people of EastEnders, and more fights between the women than a WSWF Diva Pay-Per-View. The Misery of Evers Plaza is considered one of the funniest guilty pleasures on TV.

The two basically met over powerlifting—Sonya's father owned a gym and trained Dreysanius in powerlifting to give the bear a sense of living after Drey was crippled at the age of 18 (Sonya's father, Josef Alreya, was crippled at 7). Sonya herself is an avid gym-goer herself, which is how she met her future husband Dreysanius.